Sometimes, writing these little entries feels like I am taking an unseen audience on a tour, a show of the universe. But the one thing I could never be accused of is being a ringmaster. This does not mean I don’t enjoy my fair share of the theatre, even as a child — although the brief era of animatronic showbizz is somewhat after my time. Although it unfortunately eludes myself, it is a nostalgic image for many Americans, and other humans now, given the recent resurgences in popularity during the colonisation era. America’s entire history was one built on colonisation; describing the crux of Americana, however, and the childhood staples that form its makeup, brings one largely to images of great stretching roads. The distance between populations. Overly large portion sizes. The long drive to your local shop. And then, there’s the entertainment.

In recent decades (that is, around the late 20th and early 21st century), Americana has come to be defined not by the people, but by coorporations; Walmart and MacDonalds, CVS and KFC.

Would you grab one of Holly and Wood's fabulously lavender ice-cream cones, or a milkshake and a show from Danny Deer’s Pizza? A difficult choice for any young American who’s won themself a reward, to be sure. That glowing school report or hard day at the new job has earned you a prize, and perhaps it can be found in the beloved animatronics show at Danny Deer’s?

Those 8-feet tall anthropormophic robots attract children far and wide, with strange little ditties and mechanical dances lasting all day long. The hum of the arcade and the sizzle of the grill make for a distinctly retro ambience that persisted even as the franchise grew, across both space and time, with locations spreading out from their home on planet Earth across the galaxy to this day. Although, there was a period of about four decades in the franchise’s history where investors began pulling out and the children stopped coming when the traditional animatronics were replaced with new characters. There was even a location in West Virginia with an unusually high security guard turnover rate, with some mutterings about ghost stories… somehow, the shows carried on. Even that location continued to draw in an audience, and the franchise eventually transformed into the beloved eatery it’s known as today.

The cast have rebranded somewhat since the 21st century, but their general appearance and character list has remained broadly the same since the changeover in the eighties, and continue to bring joy to children across the galaxy. Their original names were: Danny Deer himself; Oobly the Owl; Benny Bear; Patty LuBunne; Paul Duckartney; the Cuckoo Sisters; Matthew Mole; and my personal favourite, Silas Stoat.

This is not a guidebook, and you are neither my tour group nor my audience. I cannot tell you what to do with the information I provide. But if I could, I would reccomend the hazelnut and chocolate milkshake.

This entry was not sponsored by or affiliated with Danny Deer’s Pizza. The author just really loves hazelnut and chocolate milkshakes.

— Bilge’s Encyclopedia of the Universe

The first time Sang Mi saw a silent movie, she was five years old. Her family had fallen asleep in the family room, her twin brother Sang Eun snoring against her shoulder and her parents and older brother knocked out on the couch. She’d been left with her mom’s phone to pick out things to watch. Sang Mi had watched a few shorts of Glumpy and Friends, where she had learned about why sharing with friends was important, and then an entire episode of Professor X, where the good Professor had defeated a scary monster covered entirely in eyes aside from a mouth of kitchen-knife teeth. When she’d finished cuddling her unconscious brother from fear, she’d gone back to scrolling through options.

Ten minutes passed before she saw it:

“The Mark of Zorro (1920)”

She’d heard of Zorro, so she was curious. Clicking on it, she was confused at first, because no one talked. There was only the music, and title cards that popped in to tell her what was happening or what the characters were saying. She was a good reader for her age, but she didn’t know all of the words, so she knew she was missing some of it. Even so, she was whisked away into adventure. She watched breathlessly as Don Diego Vega donned a mask to take on the role of Zorro and right the wrongs of the world. When the film finished, she was smiling ear to ear.

She fell asleep when the rest of her family woke up, and her mother carried her gently to bed, tucking her in as Professor X, Glumpy the Dinosaur, and Zorro joined forces in her dreams to fight the evil eye-covered-monster which was terrorizing Spanish California. Only for the first time in her dreams, no one spoke.

She had no idea that in that silence a world of adventure was about to awaken.

“So….why are we here again?”

Christopher Cwej tore his face away from the window, glancing over at his young charge sheepishly.

“Well, uh, I was kind of hoping it would be…”

“… open?” Sang Mi suggested.

It had been a slow weekend back at their temporary home, mostly consisting of Sang Mi repeatedly beating Chris at Monopoly: Spaceport Five Overcity Edition and the two of them lazily working their way through a bad hospital drama, occasionally joined by Sang Mi’s track teammate Martha, who was a huge fan of the show for reasons the pair couldn’t parse. They’d been waiting for any new development or clue to appear, but all was quiet on the Illinois front.

So it had come as quite a surprise for Sang Mi when Chris abruptly bustled her into their car in the middle of the night and drove them out to one of Violethill’s little commercial plazas, stopping before a very much closed pizzeria.

Not that that had dissuaded him from trying to go in anyway.

Indeed, the instant he finished talking to Sang Mi, Chris had his face back on the glass, peering into the nighttime gloom of the diner’s main room.

”I think I can see the night guard’s office lights from here! If I can just get his attention…” 

Sang Mi clapped her hands together and pointed them at Chris. “Chris, my man, again, what are we doing here? You were looking like an excited puppy the whole way here, but you still haven’t explained squat!”

Chris’ shoulders slumped as he turned back to Sang Mi, seemingly defeated. “Yeah, I knooooow, I’m sorry Sang Mi. It’s just that this place — or, well, this diner chain anyway — is kind of special to me. I wanted you to experience the magic!”

Sang Mi squinted up at the diner’s sign. It was a garish relic from the 1980s, proudly announcing itself as: “Danny’s Diner: Pizza, Games, and More!” in blocky neon font. Above the words, the sign was crowded with a menagerie of cartoon mascots, a smiling deer in a brown suit taking center stage amongst them.

“Uh-huh. And your idea of magic is a discount cartoon mascot themed pizza place?”

Following her line of sight, Chris broke into a smile. “Ey, the whole gang! Oh, uh, I mean, yeah, kinda? I know they’re way less advanced here in the 21st century, but back where I come from, Danny’s Diner was the ultimate in animatronic entertainment — pizza wasn’t half bad either! My parents used to take me there for my birthday, or when I did something they were proud of, or when I did good in school, or honestly kind of for anything! I loved the place! At least, from what I can remember.”

Chris stopped himself at that, his eyes heavy for a moment as he traced a finger over his weary reflection in the glass.

With a start, that other side was gone, and Chris was pointing out each of the diner’s mascots, grinning all the while. “Oh man, speaking of remembering, look at these guys! Matthew Mole, Silas Stoat, Benny Bear, er…whoever those guys are. I mean, the line-up changed a lot from now until my time — kind of a shame Sylvia the Snow Leopard isn’t around yet — but it’s still the same! Especially since it’s always had the same main man, Danny Deer!” He finally took a breath, and his eyes softened with nostalgia as his breath fogged up the glass. “I guess the place just gave me a lot of joy, and I wanted to share that with you.”

Sang Mi smiled at the disappointed Adjudicator and glanced inside the diner again. She could barely make out the antlered form of the Danny Deer robot on the main stage. The rest of the robots were nothing but humanoid ink blots in the meagre half-light of the diner’s sign, but she could see what her friend meant.

Or, at least, she could appreciate the thought. After all, not many people really let her in on the things that gave them joy like this; could she really fault him if the source of that hidden joy was a dinky robot diner?

She lightly punched Chris in the arm. 

“What was that for?”

“For taking me out to a random closed diner in the middle of the night! But this,” she wrapped her arms around Chris in a hug, “Is for trying to show me something that mattered to you. Maybe next time, huh?”

“Yeah…” Chris hugged her back and smiled. “Yeah. Maybe next time.”

Dear President Mellonia,

I understand I'm just a franchise operator, but I do not approve of this sale to a mystery corporation. The Violethill Danny Deer's Pizza has become a beloved place for children in our short time in operation. From hosting nights for children at the local hospital to our yearly charity drive, we are not just a Pizzaria but part of the community. 

These changes are just unacceptable! I don't understand this glut of new characters, or removing some of the most beloved songs in our repertoire to replace them with these strange parodies that seem kind of vindictive! This isn't the warm environment children come here for.

Replacing every animatronic seems like a huge investment as well. This new Danny Deer looks uncanny. The employees keep saying they see it move even unplugged. Ridiculous, but it shows how creepy the damn thing is. I hear Holly and Wood's Pizza and Ice Cream across town got bought out too by a woman in a goddamn mourning dress, but the lady who carried a human skull around seems to care more about children's happiness than out new bosses!

I regret signing your franchise agreement. You let us all down, and walked off with the cash. If I ever see you, watch your back.

Jeffrey T. Miller

Franchise Operator

I fall from there in the future to now in the present before then in the past, my non-body non-seeing the building of dust and history and nostalgia yet-to-be, the primitive robotic slaves of entertainment, not aware of their self nor of sin, naked in their artificial furs stare back through glass to my main objective: Chris Cwej.

The hero of a thousand and one tales, whose history is as forked as my empty sinister hand, whose aura stinks and shines of death and regret covered in the dust of hope and pretense. He is… Happy. And sad. He sees in his mind-eye things that have yet to happen to the world but have long been gone to himself, dances and songs of the metal and plastic, the sound of laughter and love from parental units entrance his memory, hide away the disgusting smell and the sticky floor, push away the tired expression of the workers who pray for a quick death instead of another screaming child, all gone in his memory, replaced by perfect joy.

Disgusting.

I could go there and ruin this… I could remove one of the units, or the children… I could make it so he never met his Hero. But by then, what would be the point of a Villain? He’d be untethered from this grand narrative. And besides… As bursting with the atoms of errs in the now, he is free of those sins in the then, it would not be… Apposite.

Oh… WHat is this… There is another, I barely noticed them. I only saw them when Chris shared his love with them, interesting. Their aura, so warlike… A crimson hue of martial proportions… Who is this Stranger in Red?

Their mind-history reveals a name, “Sang Mi”, but their story is… Unremarkable. Teenage drama, not important, not remotely as important, I should give them no time of mine…Yet…

What is it that hides inside this Scion of Mavors… Such sadness, such… Sin.

I could kill them in the now, but in their when-the-morrow I feel the immortal sinner, the lady of lust, hidden from history. And I smell her in their past too.

Curious.

I wonder… To make them be with her in their present would only be simmetrical… Yes.

It will be.

Apposite.