Sometimes, writing these little entries feels like I am taking an unseen audience on a tour, a show of the universe. But the one thing I could never be accused of is being a ringmaster. This does not mean I don’t enjoy my fair share of the theatre, even as a child — although the brief era of animatronic showbizz is somewhat after my time. Although it unfortunately eludes myself, it is a nostalgic image for many Americans, and other humans now, given the recent resurgences in popularity during the colonisation era. America’s entire history was one built on colonisation; describing the crux of Americana, however, and the childhood staples that form its makeup, brings one largely to images of great stretching roads. The distance between populations. Overly large portion sizes. The long drive to your local shop. And then, there’s the entertainment.

In recent decades (that is, around the late 20th and early 21st century), Americana has come to be defined not by the people, but by coorporations; Walmart and MacDonalds, CVS and KFC.

Would you grab one of Holly and Wood's fabulously lavender ice-cream cones, or a milkshake and a show from Danny Deer’s Pizza? A difficult choice for any young American who’s won themself a reward, to be sure. That glowing school report or hard day at the new job has earned you a prize, and perhaps it can be found in the beloved animatronics show at Danny Deer’s?

Those 8-feet tall anthropormophic robots attract children far and wide, with strange little ditties and mechanical dances lasting all day long. The hum of the arcade and the sizzle of the grill make for a distinctly retro ambience that persisted even as the franchise grew, across both space and time, with locations spreading out from their home on planet Earth across the galaxy to this day. Although, there was a period of about four decades in the franchise’s history where investors began pulling out and the children stopped coming when the traditional animatronics were replaced with new characters. There was even a location in West Virginia with an unusually high security guard turnover rate, with some mutterings about ghost stories… somehow, the shows carried on. Even that location continued to draw in an audience, and the franchise eventually transformed into the beloved eatery it’s known as today.

The cast have rebranded somewhat since the 21st century, but their general appearance and character list has remained broadly the same since the changeover in the eighties, and continue to bring joy to children across the galaxy. Their original names were: Danny Deer himself; Oobly the Owl; Benny Bear; Patty LuBunne; Paul Duckartney; the Cuckoo Sisters; Matthew Mole; and my personal favourite, Silas Stoat.

This is not a guidebook, and you are neither my tour group nor my audience. I cannot tell you what to do with the information I provide. But if I could, I would reccomend the hazelnut and chocolate milkshake.

This entry was not sponsored by or affiliated with Danny Deer’s Pizza. The author just really loves hazelnut and chocolate milkshakes.

— Bilge’s Encyclopedia of the Universe