The Gang Put on the Great Journey for Parents Night, Mostly
​

By James Wylder, Sean Dillon, Callum Phillpott, and Molly Warton

Dramatis Personae:
Higen Haruto (son of the inventor of Shocho, Higen Shijen) - played by Honda Shinji
Andriy Boyko (founder of Lybid, terraforming expert) - played by Ihor Shevchenko
Frederick Weinberg (CEO of DynCorp) - played by Helena Kiner, in drag
Shocho (the Planetary AI of Gongen) - voice role played by (unimportant, clearly)
Secretary for Frederick Weinberg - Zhyrgal Osomonova

Staff:
Filming Director - Cao Li Xiu
Camera Operator - Anonymous
Student Play Director - Jorani Ruoy
Sets and Props - Amelia

SCENE 1
(There is a theater. We can see the heads of people above the seat backs. A few are bumbling around, moving past the other theater goers to get to their seats–tiny drones leading them to their spots. The curtains are blue, and are closed on the stage. It feels like this shot should be framed closer to the stage.)

CAMERA GUY
Can’t I just… zoom in already?

DIRECTOR (CAO LI XIU)
No, not yet. We want the ambiance of the theater being filled. The mood being set. As the lights go down, we’ll zoom in. It’ll be perfect.

CAMERA GUY
Okay uh… usually we just set the camera down and let it film? I don’t really know how to do this stuff–

LI XIU
Oh for heaven’s sake–ugh.

(There is a jostling sound, and the camera zooms in carefully as the lights go down.)

LI XIU
Very Stephen Speilberg.

(The Camera Guy sighs. The curtains open. An actor steps out on stage–one entirely unfamiliar, because this is Senior acting star HONDA SHINJI playing HIGEN HARUTO.)

HIGEN HARUTO
It was difficult to care about the seasons when every one was a nuclear winter. Our home was in ruin, my mother was gone, and when the rocket took off to start what should have been our new life…

(The curtains open, and the stage–a mix of real props and carefully projected holograms, is revealed. A holographic rocket takes off, and the other members of the cast walk out from the wings to form a V-Shape behind Higen.)

HIGEN HARUTO
My father didn’t survive the crossing across the stars. The Great Journey has begun, and I began it alone. 

ANDRIY BOYKO (Ihor Shevchenko)
(stepping forward)
But he would not be alone forever.

FREDERICK WEINBERG (Helena Kiner, dressed as a boy)
And the machinations of Earth would follow him there.

(There is an extremely long pause.)

FREDERICK WEINBERG
I said, and the machinations of Earth would follow him there.

(There is an even longer pause. There is the sound of someone yelling, and something being thrown, and then a chair scraping along the floor and a microphone being slammed down on a table before someone is thrown down into it.)

SHOCHO (Jhe Sang Mi)
…And (she gives a deep sigh) the Great Journey was only truly just beginning for any of them. Can I go back to track practice now–

(The curtains close. End of scene 1)

SCENE 2
(The lights go up, revealing a big desk at the center of the stage. It is littered with various nicknacks - pen holders, toy dinosaurs, that little thing with 5 balls that goes clack clack clack - some of which fell off while the desk was being moved. The desk has a wheel on each leg, meaning the person sitting behind it - Helena - has to hold on to it so it doesn’t roll away. She presses a button on the desk and a beep can be heard.)

FREDERICK WEINBERG
Secretary, come to my office.

(Enter Secretary, played by Zhyrgal Osomonova.)

SECRETARY
Yes?

FREDERICK WEINBERG
Tell me what you’ve heard about that little Mars colony. I want to see if you’ve been paying attention.

(The Secretary pulls out a tablet.)

SECRETARY
Well, apparently they’ve been experiencing flooding.

FREDERICK WEINBERG
Flooding?

SECRETARY
Mhm, one of their drills broke down.

FREDERICK WEINBERG
I see. And you learnt about this when?

SECRETARY
A few days ago, I guess.

FREDERICK WEINBERG
And yet, despite being my secretary, you’ve only told me about this now?

(Helena slams her fist after a slight delay. She nearly relaxes, but then the desk starts rolling away and she has to grab it again. One of the pen holders falls to the ground. The Secretary tries to make an audible gulping sound, but it ends up sounding more like a cow with their lips glued together. Helena gets up, but ends up having to lean down again to keep the desk still.)

FREDERICK WEINBERG
I’ll tell you something, and I want you to remember it. This company was founded on two simple words: Humanitarian. Aid.

SECRETARY
Humanitarian Aid?

FREDERICK WEINBERG
Yes.

SECRETARY
But what does it mean?

(Helena looks at the whiteboard on the other side of the stage. A pause. She can’t just bring the desk there, she’d look ridiculous! She looks down at the desk. Experimentally, she takes her hand away… it’s still! She nearly cheers, but remembers that it wouldn’t be in character. Calmly, she walks up to the whiteboard…)

(... and the desk starts moving.)

(Helena writes down “Humanitarian Aid” in English)
FREDERICK WEINBERG
Whoever acts humanitarian, gets the aid! In my country, we call that a Quid Prock.

SECRETARY
Surely it can’t be that si--

(The Secretary is winded as the desk crashes into them. Helena rushes back to pull the desk back into its starting position. The back and forth has clearly winded her.)

FREDERICK WEINBERG
It is— (exhausted breath) that SIMPLE. Simple.

(Helena starts leaning on the desk, only for it to slip away and cause her to fall. The audience verbally winces. Helena gets up and is clearly at her limit. In frustration, she kicks the desk off-stage - a faint “Ouch!” can be heard)

FREDERICK WEINBERG
It is that simple. Now, secretary, I want you to call up Higen Haruto and tell him we’re sending over a fleet of our patented robots to help out with the flooding.

SECRETARY
Are you sure?

FREDERICK WEINBERG
Sure as silver. And tell him I’m sending over ten Stocks of money.

SECRETARY
Ten Stocks!?!

FREDERICK WEINBERG
Do y— did— FU— did I stutter?

(A pause.)

FREDERICK WEINBERG
Well? Go!

(The Secretary nods and starts to leave.)

FREDERICK WEINBERG
Oh, and give him…

(She looks down where the desk should be. Right. Quickly, she darts off-stage to grab one of the little toy dinosaurs off the desk. Winded again, she hands it to the secretary.)

FREDERICK WEINBERG
Give him this. It represents our company - ferocious, powerful, the apex of--

(She pauses as she recognises a familiar sound - the wheels. She turns and sees the desk peeking out from behind the curtains, then it leaps out, it starts gaining speed)

FREDERICK WEINBERG
APEXOFTHESSPECIES, END SCENE END SCENE!

(The lights go out, and the two can be heard running away. The desk follows, gradually gaining speed until it violently crashes into the wall. A pause.)

FREDERICK WEINBERG
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE DESK HAD BRAKES!?!
                   
SCENE 3
(a sort of sofa adorns the stage. It is not a very good one, but it is clearly meant to be a sort of chaise longue or however you spell it, judging by the way that Honda is reclining upon it)

(enter Helena, dressed in a wig, and walking rather strangely)


HIGEN HARUTO
Ah, secretary, wonderful – put my papers on my desk, would you?

LI XIU
(whispering)
Alright, now, zoom in on the papers – the papers, I tell you!

CAMERA GUY
What papers?

LI XIU
Oh, I’ll do it!

CAMERA GUY
Oy!

(The camera jolts slightly, and the camera focuses in on Helena’s empty hand)

LI XIU
Wait, where are the papers?

(Helena looks panicked, and rushes off-screen, returning briefly with the papers, wig slightly askew. She lays them on the table)

FREDERICK WEINBURG
Of course, sir. Anything else?

HIGEN HARUTO
No, that should be all.

(Helena heads towards the door)

HIGEN HARUTO
Hang on, wait a second, will you? There’s something I wanted to ask.

FREDERICK WEINBURG
(curtseying)
Yes, sir?

HIGEN HARUTO
I’ve heard reports of an Earther spy amongst us, and that nobody has seen Frederick Weinburg, the CEO of DynCorp, for several weeks. We think she might… dammit… we think he might be amongst the staff.

(Helena attempts to look alarmed, but instead merely looks mildly constipated)

HIGEN HARUTO
I don’t suppose you know of anyone who it might be?

FREDERICK WEINBURG
(relieved)
No, sir, I can’t think of anybody, but I’ll have a think… Is that all?

(Honda gets up and walks over to the window.

There is no window.)

HIGEN HARUTO
Well, there was something else I wanted to talk to you about.

FREDERICK WEINBURG
What is it?

HIGEN HARUTO
(forcefully)
It’s rather hot in here, is it not? Perhaps I should open the window.

(Honda, displeased, mimes opening the window. He pretends to lean on the non-existent windowsill)

HIGEN HARUTO
Come closer, so that I may see your eyes.

(Helena turns, and moves towards Honda. They gaze into each other’s eyes)

HIGEN HARUTO
What beautiful eyes you have. Such incandescent open windows into the soul.

FREDERICK WEINBURG
Should there be a window, sir, I am not sure that you would like what you would see.


HIGEN HARUTO
Your modesty compliments you.

FREDERICK WEINBURG
Thank you, sir.

HIGEN HARUTO
Please, call me Higen.

(there is an awkward pause)

HIGEN HARUTO
I suppose what I want to say – what I’m trying to say – is that I love you.

(slowly, tenderly, Honda pulls Helena towards him. Quite whether this was something that happened in rehearsals is unclear, but Honda and Helena are now passionately kissing, both seeming to enjoy it rather a lot.

Honda forgets that the window is not there)

HIGEN HARUTO
Aargh!

FREDERICK WEINBURG
(on the floor lying on top of Higen, somewhat breathlessly)
Oh!

(Amelia what does the props rushes in with the window, positioning it above Honda and Helena

Honda gets up)

HIGEN HARUTO
Ow!


(Honda lies down again.


Enter Ihor)

ANDRIY BOKYO
Oh!… I mean, uh, am I disturbing you, Higen?


HIGEN HARUTO
(groaning)
No, no… not at all!

ANDRIY BOKYO
Is there any progress on the Weinburg business?

HIGEN HARUTO
No – no, I’m afraid not. But she must – I mean he must – be stopped! Leave us please, Alice.

(Exit Helena)

ADRIY BOKYO
Nice girl, isn’t she?

HIGEN HARUTO
Yes. Yes, I rather think he is… D’oh!

Intermission
ANNOUNCER
There will be a fifteen minute intermission before we resume the Academy 27 production of The Great Journey.

(The camera pans around the audience to see a well packed, though not completely sold out theater. The shot moves a bit too quickly to see anything for too long, but not too quick as to be a complete blur.)

CAMERA GUY
Are you sure this is ok? I feel like we should have a permit for something like this.

LI XIU
What, of course it’s fine. We’re shooting guerrilla style! As long as we don’t record anything too spicy, it should be fine.

(Li Xiu seems disquietingly excited about the prospect of recording something too spicy)

CAMERA GUY
If you say so.
(Under breath)
The paycheck is coming. The paycheck is coming.

(The camera finally stops on a couple getting up to leave. They are dressed shockingly well for what is essentially a High School production. The man has a dark black tuxedo with a black bowtie and a white undershirt. He has a gray military haircut and a thick, bushy, mustache. The woman is dressed in a sparkling red dress that goes all the way to the ground. She has short, blonde hair that goes up to her shoulders.)

LI XIU
Come on, let’s follow them!

CAMERA GUY
Er, I don’t think-- I mean, I don’t even know how to take this off the tripod prop--

(The camera jostles a bit before being effortlessly lifted upwards.)

CAMERA GUY
Uh…

LI XIU
What? It’s not broken is it?

CAMERA GUY
(Resigned to his fate)
…No.

(The camera moves through the theater: We see Sang Eun with Bashrat, Lizzah, and Tsetseg, having a heated discussion about the play we can’t overhear. We pass Mrs. Ichinose and her wife, who are showing each other memes on their phones. And we pass JackBox, who has come to see the play to support her friends but is currently having to show a security guard who has come over to her seat her papers to prove that as a Maverick she’s allowed in the city limits.. We exit the theater and head into the modest lobby with a small concession stand. It is being run by a man whose face is obscured by the top of the frame. The couple is standing at the booth, talking with the man at the concession stand.)

LI XIU
(Whisper)
Do you have a Chakk Mic?

CAMERA GUY
(Frantic whisper)
Why would I have one of those??? Am I supposed to have one of those???

LI XIU
I just assumed everyone on a film shoot had one of those.

CAMERA GUY
Well this is a theater recording! I thought we didn’t need one of those because the actors ARE ALREADY MICED!

LI XIU
Calm down, I brought my own.

CAMERA GUY
Then why did you ask if I had one?

LI XIU
Well, it’s low on battery. I… forgot to charge it?

(The camera looks at the couple in silence for at least twenty-seven seconds. The man at the concession stand grabs two popcorns and a drink.)

CAMERA GUY
If I find out that you were filming with MY camera without MY supervision, I’m going to end you.

(The camera jostles around, still aimed at the couple. The couple begins to move away from the stand and head to a nearby corner. The camera follows them and is safely put behind a plant. The man is captured in frame while the woman is blocked by the plant.)

MAN (DYLAN)
Are you having a fun night, Jeanne?

WOMAN (JEANNE)
I guess. It’s a bit crap though.

DYLAN
What do you mean?

JEANNE
Well, for starters the kid who’s playing Boyko can’t emote worth a damn. It always looks like he’s three seconds away from falling asleep. The sets look like garbage, probably would’ve been better off with a black box. And don’t get me started on the garish lighting! I’m pretty sure by the final show, half the cast will be blind.

DYLAN
Well, I suppose. But it’s kids’ theater. They’re not going to be great, but--

JEANNE
That doesn’t mean they have to be complete shit! If these kids are the future, then things are looking pretty bleak.

(Dylan looks down at his feet.)

JEANNE
I honestly don’t see why we even came here, Dylan. Surely we could’ve seen a proper performance of The Great Journey. The Marston had friggin Matt Jones as Weinberg! I’m sure I could’ve snagged us some tickets!

DYLAN
Well… It’s just…

(Jeanne gets a bit closer to Dylan. Her expression is hidden by the plant.)

DYLAN
Nevermind.

JEANNE
No. Say what’s on your mind.

DYLAN
It’s not important.

JEANNE
It clearly is important, if it’s got you all so worked up about it.

(There is a short pause.)

JEANNE
Is it about that meeting you had last week?

(Dylan looks up at Jeanne. The camera zooms in on his teary face. There are no tears pouring down it, but it looks like they’re coming close.)

DYLAN
The kids look like they’re having fun, wouldn’t you say?

JEANNE
I suppose…

DYLAN
(Trying to keep the tears in, but failing by the end. Coherent throughout.)
And I’m going to kill them soon. I’m going to kill them all. It’s not going to be my hands or my weapons or even just my orders that ultimately does them in. But it’s going to be me all the same. You know, Kyle said that I worry about this sort of thing a bit too much. That I should just let it go, move on, and accept what’s coming. It’s not even that I’m important in all of this. But I’m still a part of it. Still part of the bureaucracy that’s going to get them all killed. I just… I want to see them have fun, you know. Before it’s all over. God, they don’t even know, do they? They’re just kids. They’re kids and they don’t even know that they’re going to die soon. I think I’m the only one who cares. Kyle, Philip, Jo, Li. They all just see the machine. They don’t… And there’s nothing I can do to stop it. The war’s already started. They’re already dead.

(The couple stand quietly in their little corner.)

DYLAN
Do you… No, never mind.

JEANNE
NO! I… I mean, no, what?

DYLAN
(Contemplative)
I was just thinking… Do you think… Do you think there are high school plays like this one… going on on Earth?

LI XIU
(Overlapping “going on on Earth?”)
We got enough footage. We should probably cut he--

(End Intermission)


Scene 4
(We are back where we started–a shot of the stage, framed so we can see the people filing in.)

LI XIU
We really didn’t need to review the footage yet.

CAMERA GUY
Well… we did and just…

LI XIU
Just what?

CAMERA GUY
What do you think about what those two were saying, do you really think–

LI XIU
Psh, my parents have had dinner with Howard Martin. You know, THE Howard Martin.

CAMERA GUY
…I know who Howard Martin is.

LI XIU
You know, the Diplomat.

CAMERA GUY
I still know who he is.

LI XIU
The famous one.

CAMERA GUY
Still got it.

LI XIU
Anyway there are a lot of really smart and powerful people working around the clock to stop war from coming between the planets. War is expensive, and the Central Governance Corporation back on Earth wants profits above all. The Atarashi Hajimari wants to posture and look powerful, but they don’t really want to challenge the iCom space fleet. Things will work out.

(There is a long silence, people finish filing back in after intermission. Finally, Camera Guy speaks before the play resumes.)

CAMERA GUY
…I sure hope so.

SCENE 5
(Higen Haruto paces back and forth. The extremely well made holo-set of his office has spectacular detail. A red glowing electronic eye shines from the wall behind him.)

HIGEN HARUTO
…And with Takumi’s Main Dome under construction, our planet finally has its foundations laid down.

SHOCHO 
(still Sang Mi, but someone gave her a sandwich between acts and she’s trying a lot more now)
Affirmative. We have persevered, and now our people are thriving on our red soil.

FREDERICK WEINBERG
(leaping out from a closet)
AHA! That’s what you thought. You foolish Marsians, you really thought that Earth would let you… uh.
(there is a pause)
Line?

JORANI RUOY (Director)
(from offstage)
Have your freedom!

FREDERICK WEINBERG
Have your freedom!

HIGEN HARUTO
But what I didn’t anticipate was that… when you stole those plans for the Cheonsa Dome’s air filtration system… you stole my heart, too!

SHOCHO
Wait, that isn’t in the script? Are we using a different script?

(Helena, still putting on the voice but seeming too into this, runs towards Shinji)

FREDERICK WEINBERG
I’ve seen you across the lunchroom for so long Shin–Haruto. I’ve longed for your embrace.

(They clutch at each other)

HIGEN HARUTO
As I’ve longed for yours.

SHOCHO
Sorry, could someone give me the real script?

FREDERICK WEINBERG
Damn it, kiss me again already. Like you did in act one.

(Shinji reaches out, and gently tilts her chin up as he leans down)

HIGEN HARUTO
I’ll kiss you often, and well. And as much as you want me to.

FREDERICK WEINBERG
Then stop talking about it already and do it.

(The pair kiss. There is applause, and then it gets somewhat awkward as the pair continue to just make out on stage.)

JORANI RUOY
Curtains! Close the curtains!

(The curtains close. The audience sits there in confusion for a moment, before a girl in a track and field practice outfit is shoved out on stage.)

SANG MI (formerly SHOCHO)
(talking to Jorani off stage)
What the hell am I supposed to say?

JORANI RUOY
I d-d-don’t know! Improvise!

(She looks out at the audience, and freezes there for a moment.)

SANG MI
Uhhh….

(She panics, and says the first thing that comes to her head)

SANG MI
Well you know what they say, if you love someone you’re not supposed to… blame it on Rio!

(She does jazz hands. There is extremely light applause.)

LI XIU
That girl can’t tell a joke to save her life.

(The cast come out for a curtain call. They bow, everyone applauds a lot because these are their kids so of course they’re applauding regardless of quality. The camera freeze frames on various members of the cast, with text inserted over their images…)

Helena Kiner and Honda Shinji: Helena and Shinji dated for two weeks before breaking up. Rumors say he kept asking her to do the Frederick voice in private.

Amelia: Amelia won three awards for her holographic sets, which should make that Jeanne lady feel really silly and I hope she sees this and feels bad! 

Sang Mi: Sang Mi was not funny, and any boys who are into her should realize they can do better. A lot better. Maybe even land an aspiring director. You know, just saying.

Zhyrgal Osmonova: Continued to feed the chickens on the roof after school. Which is a weird hobby but go off.

Ihor Shevchenko: Got chewed out by his dad during intermission for not trying hard enough in Act 1, and really stepped it up in Act 2 so good for him.

Hanzo: Only got to play the role of the messenger boy in Act 2.

Jorani Ruoy: Was asked to take on even more work by the theater department and for some reason agreed to it. Get some backbone, girl.

(The scene fades out, and we’re greeted by a picture of CAO LI XIU, taken by a professional photographer at a park as she looks wistfully into the distance.)

Cao Li Xiu: The beautiful, talented, and incredible Cao Li Xiu remained beloved by her classmates, and would doubtless go on to be the most talented director of her day. She is also funnier than Sang Mi.

(The picture fades to black, and the recording ends)